That someone


I met someone.

I like him so much that it gives me anxiety.

Because I am coming out of a relationship, I have to chill.

I gave him my number and no call back, but last night he was smiling at me. wtf.

I want him to have moved here to meet me.

I also think that this is just a phase of mine and it will pass.

So back to my life and look at him as a thing I take in moderation.

Ok for today


I’m a huge procrastinator, I sit here now thinking of all the things that my lazy ass needs to do and I still do not do them.

For my next rule to myself:

#2 STOP PROCRASTINATION

It is going to be hard because procrastinating is not an easy issue to get over. It is a sickness from the lazy family. I’ll check up on good ol number two later today.

This is what 30 is


I am doing this for you, you reading this and I hope one of you can relate to me and write back. I will warn you, the things I share on here are as honest I can be with myself. I think for me I am a total nut. I’m not normal. I am eccentric and the nicest ways. Be honest to me. I can take the truth.

Turning thirty has becomequite the experiance.  Sitting here wanting to write down everything I want to promise. I do make promises that I do not always keep. So…

1. Do not make promises or even set the expectation that you will do something that may not be possible or you just do not know.

Why now is it that i am rolling into the big 30 that I am really wondering about me. Is it the number because we live our lives in decades? Every 10 years is a life change of being. So now I am 30 and this means I should have my shit together or atleast in the right direction?

Now for my diet, I struggle with weight so badly but when I am active it comes right off  but there is always an underlying issue of not feeling well and it is nothing mental , even though that has been the scapegoat for DRs to understand and what do I know…after so many years that I have felt like shit I finally take the hard road and cut out glueten. I feel so much better. Not way better just so so. What food can do to you is amazing and we all know that our bodies are machines.  Our food is our oil and gas and what we put in it  may it be regular or  supreme, will take our bodies for a hell ride.

Now back to the age thing, I have decieded not to feel like shit anymore. It is a challenge because of the amount of will power it takes ; the struggle that it will be to break old habits. Fight the urges to induldge in those foods that for a minute, tastes real good and then it turns on you. Your body is left churning and fighting against that yummy delight that your brain said “go ahead” It is not worth it anymore. I would rather feel good then taste the cake.

With everything going on in my life I can control my eating habits and body. Myself, is the first that I need to fix,  my space, mind and soul.  I need to clean this shit up and that needs to happen now.

Friends when you are a Single Mom


this is really hard to do when you are a part-time single mom. It is hard because I am picky. My son is three and I do pick his friends because he is so young that his friends have parents that need to be my friends as well. I have tattoos and my soul is in the music industry. I have joined play groups and I am left on the outside looking in. The Moms have mushroom hair cuts and still listen to the Monkeys. The Monkeys are not bad, but come one! Where are my cool Moms that read literature and rock out. They like Punk and Belle and Sebastian. They expose their kids to art and think it is okay if their kids day is not full of organized activities. WHERE ARE YOU! I need you! I want to go roller skating with our kids, sip wine while they play and imagine. I want to discuss books and talk about neat stuff. If you are out there, I need you!

Status update a place to talk shit???


8-9-09

JeRMz…Listening to Toots, finishing my last PBR, thinking of things to do when Alex goes back to his “mothers” tomorrow…at 1:37 AM Jul 19 Mood:Cabin fever…
JeRMz…He’d be better off with us full-time!!!!!!!!!! He sure loves his StepMom!!!!!!!!!!at 8:21 AM Jul 17 Mood:Anti-junkie!!!!!
JeRMz……and she calls herself a “mother”…at 8:05 AM Jul 17 Mood:(none)
JeRMz…is surrounded by reliable-dissapointments.

I’m hurt by this. I don’t know why I let it bother me, but it does. Why “mothers” like this. This person has no respect for his children mothers. Same with his daughters mom. I should have seen this coming. Its hard enough that I have to accept another women in my life as an Alex “parenting person” But to replace me. Just kills me. It hurts to the core. I feel I’m at that point again that I need to defend myself and wave my flag saying I’m a good mom,person, women, to people that don’t matter.
I can’t even explain the state of mind I have been in. How I struggle with everyone Else’s demands and expectations while drowning in accumulated debt that the people involve don’t help and contribute to. My heart aches constantly because my expectations of myself are failing. I want nothing more then to get ahead. Yet I keep falling steps behind.
As before mentioned in previous blogs this person is unreal. What hurts the most is that I have to bring him there today. I hope that Alex does not grow up in a situation where he has to hear his dad talk shit about his mom. With constant chatter of how to get him full time. What I am doing wrong and what better they do.
All I can do is keep my head up and keep going. Its been my life. I was born a worrior. I am, how ever I have had too many broken bones and to many falls, How many more times am I gonna have to bandage myself to make it through yet another battle.
I can not compare what level I love my child. He is part of me. He is me. I have to put aside my personal thoughts. Alex “needs” his dad.
We have been doing an every other week plan. At first when I did not have alex I was lost. I felt empty and bored. I’m grateful that at this time in my life I have found my love. With out Mark I would be completley lost. He has helped me in many ways, one including. Love. This is a difficult time for me.
I want nothing more then my child to have the best life ever. To know that everyone loves him and is there for him.
I can write a laundry list of what the difference is here. But what this comes down to is that my life is mine and Alex’s. Thats who I have to look out for.
SO here is my week, where the “X” gets to play house. He see’s him in the morning and on weekends. His “gf” watches him through out the week.
I feel better that I wrote this. I know that these status updates are from last month. However they were said. I had added him to My AROBOT page. I have since deleated him.

STRENGTH


I have never had any choice but to be strong.

I decided that day when my dad was beating us all up and my mom was in the hospital that I would have to be the strong one. I was 7

I decided that day. When kenny asked if we were ever gonna see mommy again, That I had to be strong.

I decided that day when my dad said he would come get me on Easter and instead I sat alone because he blew me off. I knew that I still had strenth.I was 12

I decided that day when I was 13 and took a greyhound bus to CA to live with my mom , that It was me and I had to grow up and keep this strength.

I decieded that day when a man I trusted had his way with me when I slept. That I would be stronger. I was 15

I decided that day when I decided to be on my own and move around state to state that the strength that I had will keep me stronger. I was 16

I decieded that day when I thought I was going to court for theft but really it was to put me in state custody that I can stay strong and noone will get me down. I will remain strong. I was 17

I decied that when I finally graduated that my strength had paid off after 5 high schools that I will for ever be strong.

I decieded when everything was against me and the world was crumbling that I would be strong.

I decieded that when I found out that I had a baby inside of me and the person, I was with was gonna be with me forever, that for me and this unborn child that I would be strong.I was 26

I decieded on May9 2007 that my strength times 2 would never fail. I now had this little blessing to protect.

I decieded that a year ago when the person I wanted to leave finally left and I now was the single mom I never wanted to be, I BECAME stronger.

Everyday since that day I wake up and realize that this little person makes me stronger. Makes me want a better life and all these obstacles that I’m faced with will succumb to my strength and I know who I am and I know that I am his mom. I will protect him to the end. I know that he is what keeps me alive. He is what gives me the strength to move on each day. I know I will get through this and I will prevail. I know that at some point there will be an end and life will be life to live again. I just have to keep the strength and know that what other say are words.

cunt


Unlimited Potential of the Human Mind

Image via Wikipedia

I have used the C word, with the understanding of it vulgarity. I don’t mind the word, when used in it’s necessary context. I do not like to be told” See You Next Tuesday” But last night I used the word, because it was all that could stamp the action and the hatefulness towards me. The past recent months I have fallen to a million pieces. My private life. I chose who to tell why I was not at work. Others I told something more simple. I told acquaintances of my situation. My real friends knew the situation. Did I lie? No. Did I manipulate the truth to protect myself and my pride. Yes. Why not? Its my road of life that weaves in and out of others. I control my life…… to an extent, until those situations that are uncontrollable take you by surprise. Who do you trust to tell? An acquaintance who buys you a coffee and is questioning the situation. My choice to tell them was random, but it felt good to say something so personal to someone not close. Maybe someone who already has too much on their plate, I with held information to not add more, knowing they would worry. Its all my choice. Again it is my life.
People talk about people. I like to say,” I discuss people.” I am interested in the human mind and the way people behave. I was making some tea at a friends house last weekend. I see these friends very frequently. I consider them my family. However. i was making tea and asked him if he wanted any and his reply was that “I really did not know him that well. ” I replied “that minor detail I don’t.” After I said that I thought to myself. “Actually I don”t know you very well at all because it takes a long time to truly know someone. Now I know that about my friend, I moved closer to knowing who he is, then just what I see. I can not name one person that I can credit for KNOWING me. I keep myself guarded to an extent. I tell what needs to be told. Many things are personal. I do not mind sharing my life with people. It has been interesting and is only going to get more interesting. I grow all the time. I am constantly looking for the lessons that are mine to learn. When I left work I was insanely broken. I was weak and scared. Lost in my own mind . I needed to be stronger and I had to do it alone. When life overwhelms us we can either grow or we can be sucked into the pot of shit and be stirred to chaos. It happened to me. I allowed it. I felt sorry for my situation and kept calling it “a life I did not choose.” Sadness was exposed and flooded my veins. I felt out of control, alone. the truth was that I was doing this to myself. My bad thoughts were taking me over. I was starting to believe the things I was thinking.
I had to face the truth and except that some of the shit in the pot I created and much more of the shit was thrown in there whether I liked it or not. What I did know then was that I can choose to clean up the shit or let it boil to destruction. I chose to clean up the shit. For my son and for me. I look at myself and I see me. Now. I’m strong and I know me, again.
I know what transpired last night with a person I thought was a friend but should have known better, from our rocky relationship, was meant to happen to test my ability to have strength not to let the hateful words effect me. The things that were said and accused were delusional and dysfunctional. I’m not intentionally wanting to hurt anyone. I do not intentionally disrespect my friends or family. I am only me. I hate people who want to make someone feel bad because they feel bad. What was said to me does not hurt me. I’m not scared to go to work,and I know it will not stop. I will make the adjustments for me to not see this person.I was told: I am selfish-Yes, I can be. We all are. I have a child so the little bit of selfishness I have, I keep.
I’m inconsiderate- No. Actually I am very considerate. i have to consider more then just myself most of the time. I enjoy being considerate.
I don’t take responsibility for my actions- I have no problem admitting if I am wrong or have done something that was weird or wrong. I feel good after I have admitted the wrong. Its honesty to yourself. It feels good.I do not use people. I Know people help me and am very grateful. Sometimes the favors are not returned right away. I want everything that can be fair to be FAIR.There was more but I’ll stop here.

I know that in life not everyone will like me and that is okay. People come in my life and people go. The ones that impacted me the most I wish were still here, but I keep their lessons close. The ones that are Toxic have left on their own or I have left them.
If you want to know the truth about a situation ask the person the truth. You can’t, and I don’t believe what people tell me about other people when they are doing it in a cruel mannor, is true.
I’m in a good place in my life. I feel the progression towards something great. My future. I am never going to let someone else tell me who I am and acuse me of hatefulness. I know me the best and give myself all the credit. If you want to know me, Know that it will take forever.I must close this blog with the understanding that I do not think I am this “good, pure ,mistakless, selfless , person.I am not. I am human with a brain and live the best to my knowledge and make all choice to better my son and myself and any others that are with me. I am good. Sometimes I am bad. Sometimes even Evil. I have much love to give. Why waste it on the ones who just want to manipulate it for their own suffering. So next time that you hear something about Someone from Someone else. Really consider if it is true. I would just go ask the person.
Be Straight with me. That is all you will get from me.
I wear my feelings and emotions on my sleeve. I am not ashamed to feel and I do so every minute.